Life during Christmas break....

Well. I'm home. I haven't been home too much, though, because I've been house-sitting. Through that, I have learned that I don't like being alone in a big empty house. In fact, I would really prefer to never live alone - at least not in a house. Also, I don't do too well with hyper dogs.

I've also discovered that I really do love my family. My almost-five-year-old sister Judith came up to me when I got home tonight and said she was scared of robbers. So I pointed out to her that there are three adults and six older kids in the house and that SOMEONE will hear the robbers, plus few people know our neighborhood exists, plus even if robbers did come she would be safe because there are nine bigger people to protect her. Then I told her about the time when I thought I saw a robber and screamed extremely loudly but it wasn't anything at all. Then she told me about presents. It was really sweet. My younger siblings miss me when I'm gone, they really do. I forget that. They can be overwhelming, but they're not bad kids.

I also realized that I do belong at home. Maybe this should be obvious. There are a lot of people in my house, though. I seriously thought there wasn't room for me. But they made room. Now my dad's office is half "bedroom" because they moved one of the couches in here, so I'm sleeping on a couch but it's in a different room, which I do have rights to at night. And now that there's only one couch in the living room, there's room for a baby crib. I don't want to live anywhere else during breaks, even though I might have a bed. Because I know that I belong here.

I volunteered at the local public library yesterday and today. I'm volunteering tomorrow, as well, and I think I'll keep volunteering until the children's librarian gets back from New Zealand. Basically what I do is sit at the desk of the children's librarian and make sure no one does anything against the rules. So far there haven't been any problems. I get to read, for MYSELF - no classics!!! I'd forgotten how nice it was to just READ.

Today I read a lot and helped a little girl find The Westing Game. That made me smile because I remember reading and loving that book. I also saw a little boy with about five books. Not kid's books, either; each book was at least half an inch thick. It reminded me of me when I was young. I love just being in the library. Luke commented today that I look so at home there. I basically grew up in the library, mostly in the children's section. And I would probably love being a librarian, possibly even a children's librarian. I can't explain it and some of you will probably think I'm crazy, but there's just something awesome about seeing little kids who love to read. Maybe it's just that I was that kid. I don't know. There was a little boy, probably between one and two, running around in the library and getting books and he was so excited about it. There's no way he could have read them yet, but he loved them, it was obvious. It made me smile a lot.

Then there's the library itself. Being around books makes me happy, even if they're books that I wouldn't necessarily read. Being in the local public library was especially nice because I know where to go to find books without having to look up the title in the card catalogue! (Library of Congress is CON-FU-SING!!! Dewey Decimal is so blessedly simple, though it is also possible for more than one book to have the same call number. That can get confusing once you've been around Library of Congress only for four months.) Bookstores just aren't the same as libraries, because in libraries you can pick the books and take them home and bring them back and it's probably free. It's just awesome.

Anyway. I'm home. I'm so glad to be home. Whenever I drive by the way to UD I point and go "HAHA I'm not going that way!!!" At this point, I honestly haven't missed anyone. And while I know I'll have fun when I go back, right now I'm not looking forward to it. I'm liking home too much.

That semester of college has taught me things, not all of which I have discovered yet. For instance, I've learned that I actually do what I'm supposed to do most of the time, and in any case I probably do more of what I'm supposed to do than everyone else I know. (This applies to high school as well.) But I also like learning. I don't like papers too much, but when I can get things out of the lectures I enjoy them. Not that super happy joy, just the mild school joy. Also, I'm taking out loans to pay for college - too many loans in my opinion. Because of that, I'm not going to slack off more than occasionally or if I KNOW I can get away with it and the professor sucks so I don't care anymore (and even then, some people would not consider my slacking really slacking). At the same time, though, I don't do extra work. I just do what I'm supposed to. I also go to bed earlier than others, because I know I really do need my sleep. I go home on the weekends because I want to see my family and my boyfriend and go to my church and youth group. So I'm not around campus as much as I could be. Towards the end of the semester I was feeling left out because of that, among other things. Some of the other things may have been in my head, I don't know. I've had that happen before, so I have to be careful with that.

I'm learning I don't have to apologize for being who I am. I don't need to do things simply so that I will belong. I will probably never have a large circle of close friends. I'm beginning to think such things are myths anyway. Now I just need to get to the point where I truly am okay with that all the time, not just sometimes.

I'm still finding my place in my world. But places tend to change anyway. The important thing is that I know where I belong right now:
Sitting outside my house in a car with Luke, talking about random things - like the way I wouldn't be able to capture the way the tree branches looked slightly distorted through the wet windshield and how you just have to live life because it's impossible to capture it perfectly. My grandmother's house on Christmas day and my mother being really happy about the Panera gift card I got her. In the library reading a book.

As a side note, I have As in half of my classes. Which means that right now I have a 4.0. Now I just need to find out what my Under the Bible, Politics, and Lit Trad I grades are........